he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
