Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
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