I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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