My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
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