haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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