I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Randomize
