I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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