I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
