Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I wish they made helmets for livers.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
