I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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