I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
