I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
