I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
