Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
