Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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