So drunk its hurt
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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