Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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