I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
I intend to get homeless drunk
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
