The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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