I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
