Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
