Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
