you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
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