drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
