Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
He? As in you personified your dick?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
