I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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