So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Randomize
