You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
