Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
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