As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
there is puke in my bra ... again
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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