What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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