my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
