i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
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