Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Randomize
