I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
only you would photoshop your dick
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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