He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
