Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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