You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
