i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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