You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
