I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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