I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
