Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
