The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
