FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
