my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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