haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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