You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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