I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
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