Got a toothbrush?
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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