I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
