So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
