Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
