everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Randomize
